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The other day I was going through a new section of the prone(face down) portion of Swedish Relaxation Massage. This class usually flies by, and we get out a little early. This day it was moving along rather sluggishly. Then, all of the sudden, something happened that inadvertently increased my energy and brightened my day. I was giddy. Let me explain. As I proceeded transition from cross-lift pettrisage of the lower back to spreading oil over the shoulders and kneading the upper trapezius laterally to the acromiom process(pardon the technical speak, I have to use it) , I lost my place. The client(my classmate) noticed something was wrong and attempted to help me. In her enthusiasm, she seemed to forget that she was naked. She lifted up from the table in order to speak, and there it was clear as day. It hit me like like a Mac truck. BAM! TITTY! One whole, magnificent, beautifully large DD TITTY! Part of my training is to learn how to handle this like a professional. I averted my eyes and calmly said, "Whoa, watch yourself.". Technically, I handled the situation well. There was very little embarrassment for either party, as we are all very open. It's moments like this that make me thankful for the nonexistence CEREBRO(a mind reading machine) from the X-Men comics. For if she knew what I was really thinking, it would have been a completely different story. Normally seeing an exposed breast is pretty exciting. But this was different. All I could think was, "AWESOME! I just saw a titty in school!". I knew this would happen one day, but I still wasn't prepared for it. I kept my cool all through class and on the way to my car. The second I closed my car door, it was like somebody filled my car with laughing-gas. I started giggling hysterically exclaiming, "HOLY SHIT! DID I JUST SEE THAT!?!? THAT TITTY WAS AWESOME!". If you watch the first season of Chappelle's Show, there is a spoof of a Mitsubishi Commercial. The one with the break-dancing white chick. After the sketch he shows a blooper reel that shows one of the dancers accidentally exposing herself. What Dave says about this best explains what I was thinking. He said, "I felt like I did that shit with my mind.". So true. The female I speak of has an exemplary rack. For a while I wondered what they looked like. Now I know. And knowing is half the battle. G.I. JOE!! In the future, I'm fairly sure I won't react the same way. I've grown to expect more out of myself. But for now.........VIVA LA TITTY! (sigh)I'm sure glad I got that out of my system. For those of my friends that have a higher moral standard, I promise that my next blog won't have any risque material. Gotta go study anatomy. Later. |
It's been a very long time for me. Please(short pause),be gentle. When last we met, I had just opened Twelfth Night and Macbeth. I have since closed those shows. I think most of you know that by now. After that I was all set to direct Larry Kramer's The Foriegner. This is a comedy about acceptance and all that mushy bullshit. .............*The following 163 lines of text have been deleted.*.........So I told him, "That's the last time I ever let you eat my grits!", and tossed a bowl of steaming hot oatmeal in his face. Later, I resigned from the show. So now I'm in training for massage therapy. Gather 'round little crakers, and let me tell you all about it. I entered the room ready to enter a new and exciting new world. I had dreams of meeting all kinds of new people. Maybe, people I would actually find appealling. Just then I reminded myself that I was going to a community college and got a sinking feeling inside. I sit down at the desk closest to the door. I guess, subconciously, I wanted to have a clear and fast path to the exit. Just in case. One glance around the room, and it hits me like a case of Hepes Simplex 2. (You know, like when you first find out and you wonder how you got it. Then you remember last Saturday. That girl who was just a rebound,until you get back with Stacy.) I'm the only other guy in the room. Some guys might consider this a good thing. However, I'm going to enlighten you to just a couple of reasons as to why this is horribly, horribly wrong. Reason number one, I'm not terribly attracted to any of them. They're all nice, and not unreasonably bitchy. And a couple of the girls pass for cute. But I don't think I would go out of my way for any of them. Second reason, a nasty little thing called "cyclin". No, I'm not referring to ridiculous nomenclature for an extreme bicycle event. I'm talking about menstration. "Aunt Flow". "The Red Sea". "That time of the month." "No nookie time." "Heavy flow." "Coagulated Kool-Aid". OK, that last one didn't make any sense, but you see where I'm going with this. It hasn't happened yet, but soon, I will be surrounded. Flanked by 11 hormonal, raging women. I've already seen glimpses of what is to come. The first week, one girl cried. Twice! I thought, "It's going to be a long nine months". I knew then that they were going to attempt to teach us more than just how to rub on people. The question is, "Will they succeede?".
Since a lot of massage therapy isn't based in the medical model, you deal with a lot of other issues in school other than anatomy. Some days the topic is spiritual. We deal with concepts as vague and intangible as energy(vibes, Prana, Chi, Ki,etc). It's very confusing blending the scientific with science-fiction. But, I'm crazy and open-minded enough to do it. The classes I am taking are: East Asian Massage and Bodywork, Public Outreach, Anatomy, Physiology, and Pathology; Swedish Massage, Ethics, Communication, and Professionalism; and Overview of Somatic Therapies. Each of these classes is 3 1/2 hours long. Only Swedish is a lab, the rest are lectures. Yesterday I was apart of what our teacher referred to as an "energy phenomenon". We had a special guest speaker who was trained in Healing Touch bodywork. Healing Touch is a modality that enables the practitioner to manipulate energy fields. The therapist will either touch you or hold his/her hands right over you. Then they will proceede to go through a series of motions and strip the negative energy away. Part of her lecture was a demonstration. She pulled a volunteer from the class, who had been CRYING THAT DAY. THE SAME GIRL. The poor girl had a family member die this week, so I'm cutting her some slack this time. I think this was crying fit number four, but who's counting. Anyway, it was safe to assume she was a good candidate. In the middle of her routine, I started to get exhausted. This wasn't unusual, because lunch is right before. I look around the class and everyone else is about to fall asleep. Even my teacher. I figured it was just because the light's were off and the woman speaking had a voice that could put a meth-head to sleep. After she left, there was an open discussion about her lecture. The other male in my class mentioned that the therapist didn't take any saftey precautions. Well apparently he was correct, because two got sick and developed head aches. They were fine before the class. Spooky or affected? Get back to me people. Anyway, I have to go because I'm at the Stage Company and we're about to lock up. I have more to talk about, so I'll be back real soon. |
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Jul. 18th, 2005 @ 02:22 am
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It has been a while since my last update, and I apologize. I've been a little busy. Twelfth Night just opened, and "The Scottish Play" opens this upcoming weekend. I have to say, I'm not happy with my work in Twelfth Night. I'm doing a passable job as "Sir Andrew Aguecheeck", but I'm not doing anything new. It's just mindless "schtick". I'M BORED TO TEARS! However, MacBeth is giving me somewhat of a challenge. Being a comedic actor, I don't get a lot of offers for drama. This being the case, I am savoring every moment of Banquo. He is quickly becoming one of my favorite roles. He's a man of action, honor, family, and humor. I can't wait to portray him in front of an audience. I gotta go. I have to wake up and find some boots for MacBeth. I'll talk to y'all later.
-Bone |
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May. 5th, 2005 @ 01:09 am
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Haven't done this in a while. Sorry. I've been spending a bit of time in rehearsal. When I'm not doing that, I'm looking for a job. The past couple of weeks have been a little strange. I'd prefer not to go into detail at the moment. I don't have much to say right now, because I' am trying to get my head straight. This summer is getting busier and busier. Currently, I'm the Assistant Director and Fight Choreographer(ha ha) of a new play ,in the Tennessee Stage Company's New Play Festival. Titled Safe House, this espionage driven mellodrama is filled with mystery and laden with sex . It's not bad. It's definitely unique. Moving on, I am teaching a beginners acting class and I will also be teaching at Camp Shakespeare this summer. In a couple of weeks, I will, be performing a table top reading of another new play, The Mad Woman of Burgessburg. Directing scenes from a play called The Greatest Living Graduate, which I could possibly direct for a portion of our season named Timeless Works. Memorizing lines for Twelfth Night and Macbeth. Taking a fencing class(for Macbeth). Producing an improv show and a murder mystery. Both projects proving to be very difficult. Serving on the board of director's for the company. And finally, dealing with every day bullshit. I'm fairly certain that's everything. It seems as though new projects keep revealing themselves. I can never say no. Anyway, I'm going to go now. I'll make an effort to update as frequently as I can. PEACE BITCH!! |
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Well we had auditions for Shakespeare on the Square Saturday. I actually got to sit in the room ,watch the auditions, and check out our new interns. It was a good experience. I woke up and had breakfast with the directors. We started auditions around noon. We had a lot of good people show up. Actors are finally starting to realize that we are one of the best PAYING companies in town. There were also a lot of really bad auditions. We had many people come that didn't even have experience as an actor. Why would you do this to yourself? "I've never been to an audition, so I think I'll go to the hardest audition in town.". Nine hours later, we finished auditions. We ate barbecue and cast the show. The choices were obvious. I am playing Banquo in Macbeth and Sir Andrew Aguecheek in Twelfth Night. I get to die in Macbeth. FUCKING SWEET! I hear I'm supposed to die, and I quote, "Like a bear". I take on three murderers. I haven't done a drama in a while. This should be fun. Anyway, I'm gonna go now. I'll check in later. |
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So I was watching CNN , and the center of today's endless repetition, was Terri Schiavo. A vegetable. Maybe I'm cold. Maybe I'm heartless. But I think someone should just pull the plug. Not to mention, it seems as though there isn't much of a case. I'm no lawyer, but I think in this instance, the spouse has control over the life in question. Especially in the absence of a will. So why has this gone on for so long? In my opinion, because of the inept state of Florida and family members who can't tell the difference between a cucumber and conscious thought. At this point, a smile on Terri Schiavo's face is just a reflex. She's brain dead. Emphasis on the "DEAD". There's no chance of this woman coming back. Even if she did, she would more than likely be severely mentally handicapped and would not be able to live the life she led before. I guess the question is: If you were not capable of performing your everyday needs (communicating with others, feeding yourself, wiping your ass, etc.), would you want to be kept alive?
Mar. 18th, 2005 @ 01:35 pm
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| » The Man. The Restaurant. The Morons. |
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The other day I was at "THE RESTAURANT"(since this is public, this is how I will refer to work) working pizzas. Pizza is a very boring station. The best part is watching all the beautiful women come. KNOXVILLE HAS THE BEST LOOKING WOMEN!!. Anyway, I went back into the kitchen to dilly-dally with one of my fellow cooks. All of the sudden, a new manager was lingering next to us as we were finishing our conversation. Then began the question of the century. An inquiry worthy of Sherlock Holmes. Here goes.
Manager: Do we have a Pizza Burger?
Me: Umm..I don't know.
Manager: But aren't you working pizzas?(she says with a condescending tone)
Me: Yes m'am. (holding back laughter) However, I believe the Pizza BURGER would go over to the grill man. But, I might be able to help you out. I'm guessing, it probably contains Marinara, Provolone or Mozzarella Cheese, and a BURGER.
Manager: Oh. Thanks.
Maybe it's just me, but I think her smartest choice would have been to look in the menu.
And now, phrases that made me giggle at work this week.(this is going to be sophomoric at best)
"Don't my sausage taste great!"
"You gotta beat the meat."
"My finger smells."
"Don't put that in the soup!"(good mental imagery)
and my favorite, "I was just sucking dick before I got here." Man, we got a lotta winners.
Mar. 5th, 2005 @ 02:21 pm
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| » Introducing.... |
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Last week I had a gut feeling that I needed a name for the improv troupe by today. Well, I was right. I was informed last night, that we had a very impromptu meeting with one of the owners of The Comedy Zone today. In this conference, he wanted a name and description of who we are. Immediately, I called Scott, Joe, and Ragland for an emergency meeting. We went over many names, until we finally settled on a name I mentioned to Zhubin the previous evening. It won. From this moment on, we shall be known as......SECTION 8. A bit lack-luster, but it's the best we can do. Our name and description will be appearing on The Comedy Zone's website. I'll put up a link as soon as I know it's there. I pitched the name, and received minimal response from the owner. I wasn't expecting any. The meeting ended with the owner saying, "Congratulations! You have a show!". We had to make a few adjustments to the agreement. Nothing major. However, I will have to make a few changes. These shows are going to cost an arm and a leg. I hope these changes don't upset anyone. Don't worry. EVERYONE will be given the OPPORTUNITY to perform. Just in different capacities. Whatever decision is made, is done soley for the best interest of the show, and to showcase the strengths of each performer. Did I mention this show is fucking expensive? Cause it is. Anyway, I'm going now. I hope everyone is ready for the arrival of.....SECTION 8( oh, lord. help us).
Feb. 11th, 2005 @ 08:04 pm
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| » Improv Update |
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DAMN I LOVE REHEARSAL. As an actor, I am a big fan of the process. Not just the result. That's why I do so much. I love to rehearse. Sometimes I love it so much, I don't want it to end. Other times, vice versa. Now, I'm moving into producing. This is a side not many people get to visit. It's weird having people look to you for answers. The worst part is trying to make sure everyone is happy. I have decided not to cut anyone from the show. I think everyone involved deserves to be in the first show. After that performance, maybe we'll make some changes. Yesterday was just fine. Everyone who feined interest in the show, managed to make an appearance. It payed off. We had one of the best rehearsals yet. Mostly due to the balance. As we all know, there is a comedic heirarchy. First, there's the Straight Man. This person usually acts as a gift giver. Typically providing the scene with direction. Often played by an actor with a dry delivery. Then there is the Fall Guy; the character man. This person is usually a taker. Providing most of the antics that take place in a comedic scene. This show is filled with plenty of Fall Guys. In order to insure successful casting, one must balance this equation. One must have equal numbers. Example: 2straightmen+2fallguys= balaced cast. Before yesterday, I was worried about this equation. However, seeing everone in action, allowed me to relax. I shant be making any awkward phone calls today. I believe we are shooting for the first Sunday in April. Graham was the only one of us to reallize March 27th was Easter Sunday. Everyone should check us out. Not only can you see us improv, but you can eat and drink! We haven't come up with a troupe name yet, however, Scott has come up with a funny title for the show. It would read, The Whoever we are in THE GREATEST SHOW EVER! It's a start. In other news, I found out today that I have strep-throat. If any of you have had this before, then you know it sucks. It's probably one of the worst sore throats you'll ever encounter. Everytime I swallow it's like choking down a mouthful of broken glass or asking a German hooker to stomp around my esophagus with 14 inch stilettos(don't judge). Before I go, just one more thing. If anyone is interested in doing professional Shakespeare this summer, audition for The Tennessee Stage Company's Shakespeare on the Square. Let me know if you want to audition and I'll see if I can make an appointment for you. Most of you would have a pretty good chance of getting cast. First timers will usually be cast as interns. Which basically means less pay and more work. Sometimes interns get shitty parts, however, my internship four years ago resulted in a principal role. Oh yeah. Did I mention I'm on the Tennessee Stage Company's Board of Director's. I'm Chair of the Production Committee, I sit on the Education and Outreach Committee, and I may be interviewing interns this year. We're still working that part out. SO LET ME KNOW!!! Auditions will be March 19th. We usually like to see two contrasting monologues. At least one of your monologues must be classical. I hope some of you audition. I prefer working with my friends. Well, you shitheads take it sleazy. I'M OUT DIS BITCH! OUTTY 5! LATA ALIGATAH! AFTER WHILE CROCODILE! LOVE, PEACE, AND CHICKEN GREASE! BITCH!
Feb. 7th, 2005 @ 01:23 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I know it's been a while, but I'm back. Unfortunatly, I have nothing to say. However, I would like to share a little good news with you all. The improv show has received a greenlight from the Comedy Zone. That's right. All of my detractors can suck my dingleberries. The show no one thought was going to happen, will in fact, proceed. Now I'm faced with a couple of hard decisions. I'm probably going to be forced to downsize the cast. My first instinct is limit involvement. For example, my first year with the high school team, we had varsity and jr. varsity. Junior Varsity came out at the beginning of the show and did not improv as much. In our show, the "B-list"(jr.vars.), will improv in big games like Worlds Worst, Alliteration,and Scenes from a Hat. They will also perform in various sketches. I think that is perfectly reasonable. As it stands, I have a cast of ten.
Host:Graham
D.J.:Zach E.
Actors:Scott, Joe, me, Bobak, Doug, Paige,Kyle,Kevin
We will sort out the situation in Sunday's rehearsal. I hope no one is offended by the choice we decide to make. If you know me and you know my comedy, then you know who is going to the B-list or cut. I think I'll pay everyone the same across the board(if we make enough money). I want your feedback. Especially from our commrade in arms, General Glintz. If we can't have you, we'll take your brother. If you guys have any ideas for a name and some marketing stategies, please tell me. The first show is March 27th. Come and see if you're in town. I'm gonna log off now. I've got some sketches to write. PEACE BITCH!!!!
Feb. 4th, 2005 @ 12:58 pm
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